December 24, 2010

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

I would like you to enjoy this stunning rendetion of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" as told by my two-year-old daughter:

"'Twas the night before Christmas and all over the house, creatures were stirring - even a pigeon! And the pigeon was stirring in the kitchen. Then I saw a T-Rex and he said 'RAAAAAAAWR!' and then we went to the library. Santa came down the chimney and said 'Ho Ho Ho' and brought presents to the good girls and the pigeon and the T-Rex."
And with that, Johnny, the Mouse-ephant ornament and I would like to wish you a very merry Christmas! May you and your own pigeons have a safe one.

Watch out for those dinosaurs...

December 13, 2010

Christmas Gift Guide

The holiday season has once again descended upon us and, like every year before this, there are a few people on my list who are nearly impossible to buy for. Typically, I bide my time, intending to make the most amazing homemade gift that anyone has ever laid eyes on. And then, when Christmas Eve rolls around and I have nothing to show for it, I make a run to Walmart and find the "As Seen on TV" section instead. But this year, I was determined to get my materialism...ahem, I mean Christmas shopping...finished up early. And in my quest to find the perfect gift, I found some other ones that most definitely deserve an honorable mention. So without further ado, I bring you the Common Goddess Gift Guide 2010:

Jesus Toaster - Where do I even begin? This would be so much better if they didn't put that picture of Jesus on the outside of the toaster so that the burnt "design" was a surprise. How much fun would THAT be to serve to Aunt Matilda during your family Christmas brunch?

Backwards Clock - This would be a great choice for that person on your list who can never make it anywhere on time. Oh wait, I guess those people would need a REAL clock. Ok, this would be a great choice for those of you out there who enjoy waking up in the morning confused and stressed out. Note: This would not be a good gift choice if that person happens to be a schizophrenic.

Squirrel Feet Earrings - It is SO hard to find a pair of earrings to go with my squirrel skin coat. Thank goodness for Etsy!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Have you ever thought back to those classic books you've read and say "That was good...but it sure could have used some more zombies..."? Then you are in luck!

Road Kill Toys - Anyone who has children knows how hard it is to curb their temptation to scrape dead animals off of the road. Here is a way to indulge their morbid curiosity without getting maggots all over your carpet.

Bacon Soap - Does your husband or boyfriend hate to bathe for fear that they might wash away that heavenly bacon aroma that clung to them during their breakfast run to Hardee's? Let them lather up with this bacon-scented soap and you both can savor that down-home smell 24/7. And after a long day and a hot bacon-scented shower, you can all sit down as a family and navigate Weiner Wasteland as you play Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure.

Fetus Cookie Cutter - Who doesn't love eating fetuses? You can bake them up in any flavor for that soon-to-be mom on your Christmas list.

Rear Gear - There is nothing worse than an adorable puppy with an unsightly rear. So for the pet lover, I recommend these holiday butt covers. Because really, if you don't want someone to notice something the very BEST thing you can do is to slap a giant pink flower sticker over top if it.

December 9, 2010

My Apologies

To my small handful of readers;

You have my deepest apologies. I have been unable to muster any time, nor any wit, to devote to this blog. I have tried - Oh Lord have I tried - and the writing that came out had all the humor and excitement of Al Gore at a funeral procession. And I like you all too much to subject you to something so horrific.

But to summarize our life right now in a few lines:

** My daughter learned, thanks to a show even MORE boring than an Al Gore speech called "Dino Dan", what a Quetzocoatlus was. I'll give you a hint: It's a dinosaur. This show has become her new best friend, and heaven help anyone who try to change the channel mid-show. She also tried to tell me that there was a Longneckasaurus in our dining room, complete with sound effects. I have to admit, it was pretty convincing....

** I have determined that at the end of my son's medical journey, whenever that may be, I am going to promptly apply to be on the TV show "Mystery Diagnosis". It is quite possible that they may have to devote the entire hour to his case alone, since now the docs are performing tests just to rule out things that are just as statistically likely as Owen being struck by lightening while simultaneously winning the lottery. Oh, and he also decided to stop sleeping through the night in favor of thrashing, crying, and performing flying 2am headbutts against me and the wall.

** I made something today, IN THE KITCHEN. Sure, it only involved some cinnamon and Elmer's glue, and sure, the ornaments we made won't be for human consumption. But I MADE IT. Using real kitchen utensils.

** It's freaking cold here.

Ok, those were pretty boring highlights. But I swear, it's like my time just evaporates into thin air. One minute I'm getting breakfast ready and the next minute I'm reading "I Love You Stinky Face" just before tucking the kids in to bed and I have no recollection of the hours that passed inbetween.

Bear with me. If I can carve out an hour of time, I have quite a spectacular list of Christmas gifts for that hard-to-shop-for person in your life. I'd hold off on that jellyfish aquarium you've been contemplating, some of these products are nothing short of amazing.

Until then,
Common Goddess