March 29, 2011

A Letter to Owen

Dear Owen,

I know waking up in this place is confusing, and scary. I know that having a tube jammed in your mouth, one in your nose, one in your back, two in your side, and one in your nether regions is uncomfortable - to say the least. I know you would rather be at home, putting little toy cars in the kitchen drawers or fighting with Lainey over the toy cell phone. I know you hate those doctors in white coats. I know that you hurt, I see your pain.

But I also know how tough you are, and what a strong spirit you possess. I know that when you squeeze my hand, you are telling me that you are ok. I know that someday before too long you will be playing outside, scraping your knees, and kicking around a soccer ball like every other little adventurous boy does. I know that you have the will to fight through this.

I know that you have one or two angels watching over you right now, and many many many others here on Earth thinking about you daily. I know you cannot comprehend that, and the truth is that it overwhelms me too. But I know with the amount of love and support surrounding you, you can overcome anything.

I want YOU to know that your mommy and daddy love you, very very much. I want YOU to know that we chose to put you through this in order to better your life. I want YOU to know that it's ok to be scared, and it's ok to cry. But I want YOU to know that you will never ever be alone in this, and that we will deal with whatever comes our way.

With love, always,

March 24, 2011


We all get spam mail. If you're one of the lucky, you may only get 34238 a day. But have you ever taken the time to really read the subject lines of these? Some can really have some entertainment value - especially if you are bored and the next closest option is watching a rerun of "This Old House". Here are a few I've selected from my spam folder this week:

"Anne Hathaway lose weight Free Sample - Ivanka Trump Has A Baby Bump"
(Common Goddess Cram Random Things In Headline, No One Cares)

"__T_A_R_A__ - I KNOW YOUR FUTURE FROM:3/26/2011 and BEYOND!"
(Thank GOODNESS you are here Tara, but I can't help but wonder why you don't know my future in the next two days? Is there a great ESP blackout that I need to be aware of?)

"!!CONGRATULATIONS!! - Someone sent you the new iPad 2"
(Woot! That was very nice of someone!)

"News 1 Daily - We found work at home Opportunities that may shock you!"
(Let me guess - snake charmers? Baked goods tester? If it's selling ceramic unicorns online I'll be very disappointed....)

"Online Income - Make $9K a week with this easy system"
(Easy = Costs a lot of money out of pocket.)

"Smoke Shack - tell us what you smoke"
(I can't think of a worse name for something than Smoke Shack. Except maybe Dress Barn.)

"IT REALLY WORKS - Summer's coming - Safely lose 20-25 pounds in 1 month!"
(I'm not sure that "safely" and "lose 20-25lbs in 1 month" should really be together in the same sentence.)

"ZOLOFT ATTORNEY - Attachments Zoloft Settlements"
(I hate when those pesky names get in the way - apparently, Abe Whiffledorf felt the same way and decided to just go with "Zoloft Attorney" instead. Also, he may want to be more cautious on who he's sending these settlement checks out to.)

"Ready - What are you waiting for?"
(A Redbox flick and a mojito.)

"heidi - lets do this tonight"
(I'm intrigued, Heidi. Are we busting out of prison? Ordering falafels? TPing the crabby old teachers house down the street? I really need more details before I change out of my PJs.)

"Sample enlargement - Porn stars secret"
(PSSST - Ok, don't tell anyone, but I have their REAL secret. You ready? *Show up, get naked*. But don't tell anyone you heard it from me, ok?)

"MyFavoriteFoods - What is the KFC Double Down?"
(I'm going to go with "a rapid cholesterol delivery system".)

"Large Pizza - Free Large Specialty Pizza Voucher: 3/20/2011"
(NOW we're talking!)

"ashley - dont wait another day"
(Great advice! Unless you mean to vacuum, in which case...meh. I think I will.)

"Incentive - Do you think Charlie Sheen is crazy? Tiger Blood!!!"
(WINNING! Wait - what's my incentive?)

"Sarah691 - Saw your pic. I think you dated my girlfriend."
(I pretty much doubt that, Sarah. But so what if I did? Let it go, man, let it go.)

"CSI Programs - CSI and Forensics employment is available"
(It just so happens that I am a die-hard Law & Order: SVU fan, so I'm practically qualified. I assume that's why I was chosen for such employment, thank goodness for their rigorous background check.)

March 11, 2011

Well That Was Awkward...

Tonight was the eagerly anticipated pizza night in our house, so having to make a pit stop on the way home was already putting a cramp in my evening. I left work and hurried to Walgreens to pick up a couple necessities. Thankfully, there is one on almost literally every corner. This particular Walgreens was pretty hoppin' for a Friday night, and I weaved in and out of people to get back to the first aid section. You see, my son's feeding tube had become dislodged last night and I needed to get it back in place. And to get it back in place, I needed to lubricate it. I needed....a lubricant.

Oh. Right. I'm in the wrong section.

I sheepishly made my way to the "correct" section, where I tried to scan the shelves nonchalantly - all the while imagining I was somewhere more enjoyable, like at the dentist. I spotted what I needed, a generic box of lubricating jelly, and stuffed it under my armpit before anyone could point and laugh at me. As much as I wanted to, I suppose it's a little awkward to offer up an explanation to the woman at the counter, so my Plan B was to avoid eye contact and fidget uncomfortably.

Armed with my Plan, I head to the register when I suddenly remembered the second item I needed to purchase. I made a quick side-step over to the makeup, grabbed my favorite eyeliner that I was nearly out of, and scored a place in the checkout line. As I stood surveying the candy and lip balm, I looked down at my hands and horror washed over me when I realized what I was holding.

Lubricant and eye liner.

I suddenly felt like every set of eyes in the entire store were staring at me, wondering which street corner I was going to be working at this lovely Friday evening. After turning an unnatural shade of red, I politely dismissed myself from line and returned my items to their shelves so fast you would have thought they were made of searing hot lava.

And then I went home, emptyhanded, and had some pizza.

(As it turns out, water is all I really needed to lubricate an NG tube. THAT sure would have been a useful bit of info...)