March 30, 2014

The Tooth Fairy

Losing a tooth is like a childhood rite of passage - it shows you're graduating to "big kid" status, thus earning the right to brag about it at the lunch table while holding straws between your teeth like voodoo magic.  It also means a visit from a certain tutu-ed night caller with a rather impressive bankroll.

If you believe, as I do of course, in Santa Claus, Sasquatch, and the Tooth Fairy, I just wanted to give you some virtual fist bumps!  If only we could have an AMAZING New Year's party with these guys, AMIRIGHT?!  That's all, you can toddle along to another blog about rainbows and marshmallows and if you find any rad unicorn photos, please pass them along!


For everyone else, this is a tale of parenting failure in it's greatest form.  Our daughter, Lainey, has been losing teeth faster than an outmatched MMA fighter.  She currently has three gaping holes in her mouth, the most recent which occured last week.  For the 5th time, while I was at work, I received a text from my husband about another tooth biting the dust (because apparently Lainey can only lose teeth from 5-8pm), and so I assumed that he would "take care" of notifying the proper tooth authorities.  I came home from work later that evening, tiptoed into her room to give her a goodnight kiss, and went to bed.

"Mom, the tooth fairy didn't come..."  This is what I woke up to the next morning, along with a face so sad you would think that her favorite My Little Pony had accidentally fallen into the garbage disposal.  I'm not used to thinking much that early in the morning, so the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Are you sure?"  Duh, mom, of course she's sure - The Tooth Fairy paid out $5 last time she lost a tooth, that's the equivalent of a million in adult money.  I'm pretty sure she can tell the difference between a gross bloody tooth and a million dollars.

"Yes, I'm sure..." my heartbroken child uttered as she started to walk out of the room.  OK mom, think of something, QUICK!

"Sweetie, The Tooth Fairy is very busy, do you know how many kids loose teeth every single night?  I'm sure she's on her way, just leave your tooth there so she doesn't have to hunt for it."  My daughter smiled and said ok, and I mentally gave myself a pat on the back.  Saving the day, and it wasn't even 7:30am yet!  I RULE!

About an hour later I found myself in my bedroom directly adjacent to hers while the kids were engrossed in a game on the Kindle.  Here's my chance, I thought.  I dug through the spiderwebs in my wallet and pulled out a was a sad little dollar, compared to the five before, but the economy is tough on fairies too and it WAS a bill, whereas last time she got it in coins, so would she really know the difference anyway?  Besides, whatever, I AM SUPERMOM!  So I snuck into her room and made the great exchange, taking care to haphazardly open the blinds/curtains and knock a couple things over near her bed for "proof" as well as leaving behind a glittery note (that was scrawled on a notecard while hiding in the bathroom).  The note read:  "Thank you Alaina for your tooth!  I'm sorry that I was late, bad weather in Canada!  Love, The Tooth Fairy".

Smiling, I went back to folding laundry, purposefully not drawing any attention so she could just happen upon the scene later the day and be utterly amazed.  Yes, the plan was fullproof now!  About ten minutes later Lainey walked into my bedroom right as I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket.  Much to my dismay, it also happened to be the very same pocket I had stashed the baggie with the tooth.  My reflexes, while very cat-like at that moment, could not compare to the questioning glance of a suspicious kindergartner when she saw the bag fall onto the bed, and she immediately went into interrogation mode.

Lainey, with the eyes of a thousand red hot pokers:  "Mom, why do you have my tooth in your pocket?"

Me, with the eyes of a confused and anxious rabbit:  "No I don't."  (I'm not a very quick thinker, what can I say...)

Lainey:  "Yes you do!  It just fell out of your pocket!  It's in that baggie you're holding!"

Me, CRAP! (that part I said only mentally...).  I picked up the bag upside down and at just the right angle for the tiny tooth to slide out of  the baggie and onto the floor before attempting to sell the Biggest Lie in All of Parenthood.  "NO I DON'T!  SEE?!  This bag is EMPTY!"  And then I shook the bag a rather excessive number of times to prove my innocence, the whole time praying that she didn't look down into the carpet.  Thankfully, she didn't.  But I did get a suspicious sideways glance as she slowly backed out of the room to confirm that her tooth was where it was supposed to be.

I breathed a long, deep, hard breath and wondered why in the world we do things like this?  Why do I subject myself to such an intricate web of lies instead of just saying, "Hey kid, nice job on knocking your tooth out, here's a buck."?  Where is my manual for these sorts of situations?  WHY MUST PARENTING BE SO HARD?

A few moments later Lainey comes running out of her room with her dollar and the note that looked like it had been written by a hobo, joy radiating from her face.  "Look mom!  I got a DOLLAR!  And a note!  Did you know my curtain is messed up?  I can't wait to show Owen!" and then she ran down the hallway.

I guess that's why we do this.  I'm still not positive which story Lainey believes, and I guess it doesn't matter at this point.  Next time though, I sure hope The Tooth Fairy beats that Canadian storm...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Got somethin' to say?