March 24, 2011


We all get spam mail. If you're one of the lucky, you may only get 34238 a day. But have you ever taken the time to really read the subject lines of these? Some can really have some entertainment value - especially if you are bored and the next closest option is watching a rerun of "This Old House". Here are a few I've selected from my spam folder this week:

"Anne Hathaway lose weight Free Sample - Ivanka Trump Has A Baby Bump"
(Common Goddess Cram Random Things In Headline, No One Cares)

"__T_A_R_A__ - I KNOW YOUR FUTURE FROM:3/26/2011 and BEYOND!"
(Thank GOODNESS you are here Tara, but I can't help but wonder why you don't know my future in the next two days? Is there a great ESP blackout that I need to be aware of?)

"!!CONGRATULATIONS!! - Someone sent you the new iPad 2"
(Woot! That was very nice of someone!)

"News 1 Daily - We found work at home Opportunities that may shock you!"
(Let me guess - snake charmers? Baked goods tester? If it's selling ceramic unicorns online I'll be very disappointed....)

"Online Income - Make $9K a week with this easy system"
(Easy = Costs a lot of money out of pocket.)

"Smoke Shack - tell us what you smoke"
(I can't think of a worse name for something than Smoke Shack. Except maybe Dress Barn.)

"IT REALLY WORKS - Summer's coming - Safely lose 20-25 pounds in 1 month!"
(I'm not sure that "safely" and "lose 20-25lbs in 1 month" should really be together in the same sentence.)

"ZOLOFT ATTORNEY - Attachments Zoloft Settlements"
(I hate when those pesky names get in the way - apparently, Abe Whiffledorf felt the same way and decided to just go with "Zoloft Attorney" instead. Also, he may want to be more cautious on who he's sending these settlement checks out to.)

"Ready - What are you waiting for?"
(A Redbox flick and a mojito.)

"heidi - lets do this tonight"
(I'm intrigued, Heidi. Are we busting out of prison? Ordering falafels? TPing the crabby old teachers house down the street? I really need more details before I change out of my PJs.)

"Sample enlargement - Porn stars secret"
(PSSST - Ok, don't tell anyone, but I have their REAL secret. You ready? *Show up, get naked*. But don't tell anyone you heard it from me, ok?)

"MyFavoriteFoods - What is the KFC Double Down?"
(I'm going to go with "a rapid cholesterol delivery system".)

"Large Pizza - Free Large Specialty Pizza Voucher: 3/20/2011"
(NOW we're talking!)

"ashley - dont wait another day"
(Great advice! Unless you mean to vacuum, in which case...meh. I think I will.)

"Incentive - Do you think Charlie Sheen is crazy? Tiger Blood!!!"
(WINNING! Wait - what's my incentive?)

"Sarah691 - Saw your pic. I think you dated my girlfriend."
(I pretty much doubt that, Sarah. But so what if I did? Let it go, man, let it go.)

"CSI Programs - CSI and Forensics employment is available"
(It just so happens that I am a die-hard Law & Order: SVU fan, so I'm practically qualified. I assume that's why I was chosen for such employment, thank goodness for their rigorous background check.)


  1. I'm Sarah691. Sorry about that.

  2. i'm totally with you on the dress barn. everytime i drive by i say, "who, i say WHO would buy a dress at the dress barn?" even if it was cute and a good price, cause invariably someone would say, "where did you get that dress?" and then you have to answer "the dress barn."



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