May 24, 2010

Everything Will Kill You (A Friendly Warning)

* Don't eat alfalfa sprouts, because they contain salmonella.
* Don't consume any lettuce, because it may have E. Coli.
* Don't dine at McDonald's, because you'll get asthma.
* Don't eat anything with high fructose corn syrup, because you'll get diabetes.
* Don't feed your baby formula, because it's laden with synthetics and fungus.
* Don't buy strawberries, potatoes, apples, celery, peaches, or spinach, because they are laced with so many pesticides that you may as well just bathe in it.
* Don't swim in the ocean, because you'll get covered in toxic oil.
* Don't swim in a public pool either, because you'll catch an intestinal virus.
* Don't use children's Tylenol, Motrin, Benadryl, or basically any type of pain relief whatsoever, because they may or may not have bacteria, and they may or may not have too much active ingredient.
* Don't get your kids vaccinated, because they'll become autistic.
* Don't delay your kids' vaccines, because they'll catch polio.
* Don't let kids near your remote control, because they might swallow the batteries.
* Don't let your hillbilly kid play with a gun, because they are just as likely to shoot themselves as an urban kid.
* Don't use a drop-side crib, because your baby will get trapped and suffocate.
* Don't use disposable diapers, because the chemicals will sear their skin off.
* Don't use any plastics with BPA, because it leaches out and screws with your endocrine system.
* Don't talk on a cell phone, because it'll give you brain cancer.
* Don't text while driving, because you'll end up becoming a roadside pancake.
* Don't go tanning, because you'll turn in to a wrinkly old cowhide or get skin cancer.
* Don't take Viagra, because you'll go deaf.
* Don't get your heroin from Mexico, because it's so pure it'll kill you instantly.

(These were all taken from actual Yahoo! news articles. Of course, I paraphrased a tiny bit...) I could also step off a curb tomorrow and get hit by a bus, and I'm sure the statistic for that is out there somewhere too. I'll take my chances with the strawberries.

2 comments:

  1. I think too many people are afraid of all the things out there that could kill you that they forget to actually LIVE anyway. Yes, our modern ways have created some new issues but I don't understand how people forget that the only reason we know about many of these issues is because of other modern advances and the fact that these advances now allow us to live so much longer that we can actually see these effects! If people still only live to 30 or 40 we wouldn't even have to worry about much of the stuff people panic over.

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  2. I love your blog... just say'n.

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