Recalls, Recalls, Everywhere

Unless you've been living in a big hole, or you don't have kids, you've probably seen the recall announcements that have been plastered all over the news lately. Cribs, high chairs, medicines, food products - it's as if all of the baby product manufacturers have conspired to limit the population by maintaining exceedingly poor quality control practices and mass-producing itty bitty death traps.

Apparently, I own one of those death traps. It goes by the name of Simplicity Crib 'n Changer combo. It would seem that their support rails give way, causing the mattress to buckle and to swallow your child into a nasty little burrito of foam and blankets. And even though my daughter slept many a night in this crib, I suppose I should be thankful that my son has barely so much as touched it. In fact, his eyes shoot open if you so much as THINK about laying him down in it, as if he were saying "I know about this company's sketchy saftey standards, and if you set me down in this shoddy piece of manufacturing I will not hesitate to screech my lungs out." So currently, this crib houses a multitude of bears, stuffed toys, and laundry balls that missed the hamper. But Scooby Doo certainly does not deserve such a horrific end either, and between that and the fact that I may actually use it as a bed again someday I thought it might be wise to follow through and return it.

Of course, not only do we not have our receipt from three plus years ago, but we have absolutely no recollection of where we actually purchased this thing from. We've narrowed it down to somewhere online, but after that we draw a blank. So my first thought, naturally, was to call Walmart. I think Walmart would return a pair of underwear even if it had lipstick and a skid mark on it and not think twice, so why not my crib? After explaining to the customer service rep three times why I was calling, and repeating the model number so many times that I sounded like a number-obsessed schizophrenic, she decided to put me on hold for 45 minutes while she took a smoke break and had a turkey sandwich. Upon her return, she asked the model number one more time, and then decided that I was wasting too much of her time and told me that they never sold such a crib.

My next call was to Babies 'R Us. This customer service rep was completely opposite of the one at Walmart, in that not only did she actually have a list to consult, but she remembered the model number on her first try. However, I think she may have eaten some sugar that was laced with even more sugar, because she would NOT.STOP.TALKING. I got to hear about her crib, what it looked like, that she was storing it in her garage because she was going to loan it to her sister but then her sister got a different one and now she is storing it until she has another baby but she doesn't know if she should have another baby or not but if she does then she ought to find out if her crib is on this recall list. I'm not sure if she mistook me for one of her girlfriends, or for someone who did not have a whiny toddler and a baby who was doing his best Niagra Falls impression all over my shirt, but after a lot of "uh huhs" I finally got her to admit that they would, in fact, return my crib for an instore credit. I then got to hear her personal schedule, and that she would be glad to help me unload it if I came in TODAY but if not someone else could probably take care of it.

For kicks, I called Target too. They decided that they didn't actually want to field my call themselves, so they gave me an 800 number based in India where I found out that they, too, would return my crib for me. However, she could not guarantee me that the employees at my specific store would help unload it, or that anyone in customer service would have any idea what this recall was.

I guess my project this week is to disassemble this crib and take it....somewhere...where it can "cross over" to crib heaven. Or the garbage dump. Either way, it frees up some space in the nursery. And since it seems like the only two types of cribs that exist are ones that have been recalled and ones that will be recalled, I think I'm opting for a twin bed this go around.

Next stop, the Tylenol recall list. This Common Goddess is going to need a couple of those myself before all is said and done...